Harvey Milk, Hate Crime and My First Gay Friend
2:34 PM December 15, 2008
I watched a powerful film over the weekend--"Milk," about the late Harvey Milk, the first openly-gay man to be elected to public office in the the United States. Milk and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone were assassinated by former city supervisor Dan White in 1978.
In one part of the movie, Milk urges gay people to "come out" of the closet to their friends, family and co-workers--to be proud of who they are. There was also a political motivation. The idea was when people actually know a gay person, their perceptions of gay people changes. Milk thought it would help at the polls as he fought for gay rights.
It reminded me of the first time someone "came out" to me. It happened my freshman year in college. I had no idea my friend Rick was gay. Looking back on the moment now, I wince with embarrassment at how ignorant I was and how stupid I must have sounded when Rick told me he was a homosexual. No wonder he burst into laughter when I said: "I don't really care as long as you don't make a move on me." Rick assured me I was hardly his type. When I asked him why he chose to be gay, he told me it was not a choice but simply who he was. He assured me that no one would choose to be gay given the horrible way in which gay people are sometimes treated.
Which brings me to the point of this blog. Thirty years after Harvey Milk was murdered, gay people remain the targets of hatred, of hate crime. Case in point--the murder on Sunday of Ecuadorean immigrant Jose Sucuzhanay in New York City by a gang of four men who yelled an anti-gay slur and then used an aluminum bat to beat and kick him to death. Authorities say the attackers mistakenly believed Sucuzhany was gay because he was walking arm in arm with another man after a night of drinking. Turned out the other man was his brother.
Could the murderers have been so filled with hate if a trusted friend was gay? If a loved one or family member was gay?
I know my perceptions of gay people changed after getting to know Rick. He was a deeply religious, fairly Republican, grilled cheese eating, average-looking guy who wore collared shirts and pleated slacks. He was hardly the flamboyant stereotype portrayed in movies and on TV.
Before Rick, I was a small town kid from a military community who didn't know a single gay person, or so I thought. Given what researchers say about the percentages of gay people in the population, I obviously knew gay people, I just didn't know it because they were living in the closet. I was living in a place and to a certain extent a time in which being openly gay was the exception rather than the rule.
But Milk was right. Having a friend "come out" to me changed my view of gay people. It also resulted in one of the longest and closest friendships in my life. He was like a brother. Rick would eventually be the best man at my wedding.
I hope he thought I was there for him, too. I say hope because my friend Rick died this year. The last thing I did for him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life--deliver his eulogy. It was painful, but I was proud to do it. I'm glad Rick came out to me. I'm glad we were friends.
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Regarding Free Valentines Romance trip for two. I did put in for it, but once we get there we need cash to spend. Us common folks do not have that kind of money to spend right now. What would have been nice and spread around for more people to win would be a gift card from American Express or Mastercard, that would cover a very nice dinner and maybe a room for two days at the Ritz or somewhere esle that the couple would like. A thought.
Posted by: Linda L. | February 09, 2009 at 08:31 AM
i watch your show every morning, i was disapointed today, not just with ktla, with the media in jeneral. i work for wells fargo. they have there annual events to recongnize there top performers, they are not using tax payers money for that, and now because of all the negative publicity, they are taking that away from us. i was one of the winners, i'm just a banker, i'm not a high paid executive. i think you guys should do more research before doing your reports. one thing we know, wells fargo was never in financial trouble, and did not ask for the money from the goverment, it was given to the bank, even though it was not needed, now there is more pressure on us, bankers, to find people who have lending needs, and thats what that money is used for, not for an annual recogition program that has been going on for years, unlike the banks that were in financial trouble, and they used the money they got for a jet, or rewarding her high executives for there failier
i have been working with wells fargo for 10 years, i can honestly tell you, the recogition awards, are one thing that makes us work harder, and because of all the negative publicity, they are taking that away from us. thanks
Posted by: suha sweis | February 04, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Frank,
They need you back at KTLA fast! I posted this on Sam's page due to their subject matter at 9 AM.
"I have to tell you Sam, it's no wonder your show is tanking. I tuned in for less than 5 minutes just after the start of the 9 o'clock hour, Mark had just finished the weather, and you threw it to Ali and I have to say, that those 5 minutes of my life I will never get back.
That was the most disgusting, vile, crude, rude 5 minutes of television I have ever in my life witnessed. I can not believe that this Ali person is who has replaced Bill and or Willa. No wonder Tribune is in a financial mess.
I will never, ever tune to KTLA for as long as I live, other than to watch that sweet Stephanie Edwards for 2 hours on New Years Day. That will be it for me Sam. Your show DISGUSTS ME! I can't believe that the FCC allows you to air that kind of filth on television. Sam, you all will never be #1 ever again as long as you're allowed to air schlock like that!"
Posted by: Gloria | December 22, 2008 at 09:18 AM
I have no problem with gay people at all I think they are citizens nd should be given the same rights as everyone else and let them be allowed to run for office jst like every other person can. Its jst sad that not everyone thinks very open about this situation. For some odd reason people feel threatened by gay people but they are not no terrorist attacking anyone..they are jst normal people. The only reason people have problem with gay people is because of the religions.. most religions or maybe most of them don’t allow gay merrages because it’s a tradition for the merrages to be with the opposite sex nd not the same. Waterver the reason is people are wrong for limiting the gays peoples right. Im ok with them as long as they respect other people by that I mean their public display of affection but that goes for any other couple gay or not gay.
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Posted by: Cathy Ayala-FAMILY AYALA'S UPHOLSTERY | December 17, 2008 at 02:28 PM
I am glad that there is finally positive attention being paid to our gay friends here in America. I lived in West Hollywood for years prior to getting married. It was the best neighborhood a single girl could live in! I traveled frequently, took long power walks at all times of the day and night... and my home was always safe, and so was I.
I loved my old neighborhood and all my neighbors, who many are still my friends today! They are artists. writers, and business people. They are creative and interesting. They are as normal as anyone else.
My years living in West Hollywood surrounded by all these wonderful people taught me a lot about tolerance and courage ..It made me even more aware of how important it is for everyone to be accepted into the mainstream of our society.
Recently I saw parts of Milk at screening party, it was excellent. It deserves an Oscar.
I'm happy that the subject of equality for gay people is now being discussed so much. The positive attention will eventually lead to total acceptance by all. The old prejudices are transforming into acceptance.. as it did with African Americans and other groups slowly receiving the respect they deserve. This IS happening right now...it's just unfortunately a slow process. But movies like Milk receiving critical acclaim, and people flocking to see it it at the box office ... is a very good thing.
Soon TRUE Gays rights will be a reality.
In the immortal words of Martin Luther King... let's just "Keep Hope Alive!
Posted by: PLM | December 17, 2008 at 11:50 AM
See, I knew there are more good hearted people out there in Sandy, Karen and the people in the Presbyterian Church that Peter and his partner came to know as family. When people can be open minded with a good heart and look past the labels and stereotypes, friendships and good things can happen. God bless all of you for being the examples of how God would want us to be toward our neighbors, regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation. Keep up the good work and have a blessed holiday and have a great vacation to Hawaii Frank, Aloha and Maholo for this wonderful last article. You are the best!
Posted by: craig | December 17, 2008 at 10:02 AM
Hey Frank,
Thank you for all your blogs, as I have told you before, always heartfelt. I lived in Marin County when this whole thing happened and remember it well. I'll just never understand why we have such hateful people. Thanks, again, for sharing your words with us. By the way, aloha, have a great trip.
Sandy
Posted by: Sandy | December 17, 2008 at 09:33 AM
Frank
I know I've already blogged a comment on this topic, but again I would just like to thank you for sharing your wonderful story of your friend Rick!
I keep coming back and reading your entire blog over and over. Each time I feel as though I learn something new each time.
You've really renewed my appreciation for you Frank as a journalist and as someone I trust as an oncamera anchor!
On a lighter note - Karen, please don't leave us hanging....tell us that favorite phrase that Rick coined....I'd love to know what it was!
Posted by: Dan | December 16, 2008 at 07:57 PM
Frank,
I miss Rick and do think of him often. We worked together at the Music Center where he coined my favorite phrase named after one of the bosses.
I loved his dry sense of humor. God Bless him....
Posted by: Karen | December 16, 2008 at 01:35 PM
Frank:
A moving story, well told.
Ed
Posted by: Ed Cray | December 16, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Frank:
A moving story, well told.
Ed
Posted by: Ed Cray | December 16, 2008 at 11:48 AM
Frank,
Thank you for sharing this very personal story. My partner of 13+ years and I also saw "Milk" over the weekend. I knew the story, he's a few years younger than me and did not.
Nearly 12 years ago, I changed jobs, from working as a church musician in a very open Episcopal Church to working in a slightly more conservative Presbyterian Church. When I met with the Senior Pastor for the first time, I told him that If I came to work there, I would not go back into the closet and if that was acceptable, I hoped we could find some volunteer work for my partner to do there. He told me that my sexuality was not a problem, but that I should "watch out" for certain members who might not be as "accepting."
As it turns out, the very people he said we should "watch out" for have become good friends. We have invited these people in our home and some of them have invited us to theirs.
Now, nearly a dozen years later, my partner and I are part of the fabric of that church. So much so that when I had an injury that required knee surgery and couldn't walk, members of the church helped out by bringing us food and taking me to doctor's appointments when he was at work.
I even received a letter from a dear lady before the November election asking if my partner and I had gotten married since it seemed that Prop. 8 might pass.
I truly believe that when people see a gay couple living their lives as "normally" as possible; when we become part of the greater community, the fear subsides and loving friendships can begin.
Posted by: peter | December 16, 2008 at 10:11 AM
It's also very scary to have organizations and spokespeople like James Dobson of Focus on the Family claim they can change the person from their homosexuality. What he really does is repress their sexuality, confuse a young person making them feel unwanted and abandoned by God for having these feelings (that are no fault of their own) that has lead many teenagers to emotional and psychological damage including suicide. Ther are more suicides among young gays as a percentage relative to the population than any other group studied and this is mentioned in that documentary movie I referenced in an earlier post. Dobson and people like him have done great damage and there needs to be more voices to the contrary to speak out and say "God loves and accepts you for who you are, we are all God's children and we will be judged on our acts of love and on our faith in God, not on who we choose to love." In my opinion, I believe God would frown on promiscuous behavior from either a straight or gay person but would be pleased from a deeply committed relationship from either a straight or gay couple. Of course, I don't speak for him, but just the way I read the passages in the Gospel, what Jesus taught his disciples and the people, I just don't see any passages in the gospel condemning homosexuality as a committed couple.
Back in those days, consenting adult gay couples in a committed relationship really were not heard of. Gay sex in Jesus and New Testament times were of two forms - Older man - underage boy (who was learning as apprentice in trade from older man) and older man was married to a woman. We would consider this child molestation and the older man a pedophile today. The other type of gay sex that occurred would be as part of a "Roman orgy" where anything goes, and these two forms are what Paul is referring to in Romans and Corinthians when he talks about "homosexual perversity" and men lying with men" as "men lying with women". I am saddened we haven't evolved enough as a society yet to allow our gay brothers and sisters the "right to be treated and live as equals under the laws of the land".
Posted by: craig | December 16, 2008 at 09:23 AM
Frank - I TOTALLY agree with your 'review' of "Milk". It affected me in ways that I didn't expect. It's an exceptional file with a very sad story. [FYI-I didn't get to read the entire entry cuz I'm trying to get my teenager to school on time....I'm ready; he's not!]
Posted by: Melody Weiss | December 16, 2008 at 07:12 AM
I’m a Christian. Raised in the church. Started Sunday school before I started kindergarten. I can still remember my first day of kindergarten. We learned to sing the hymn “Fishers Of Men.” That song pertains to Jesus gathering up all people to make them Christians. Jesus doesn’t exclude anyone because of color, creed or sexual orientation.
I’m an American. And in this democracy everyone has the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” So why are homosexuals feared, disliked, limited? Just last night I was watching “60 Minutes.” Congressman Barney Frank told Lesley Stahl that when he “came out” to Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill, Tip responded that was too bad because he thought Frank would be the next Speaker. To Frank, it was more important to be who he was than to achieve a dream by living a lie. When will we, as a country, grow up to honor the inalienable rights for all Americans?
I’m the daughter of parents who taught me tolerance of those different than myself. I don’t recall my parents actually saying the words. I learned from their example – how they treated people was how they expected to be treated in return. My mother has a cousin who’s a transvestite. He’s now living as a woman. When Cousin attended the funeral of a close relative whispers followed her as she greeted my mother. They embraced, exchanged words of comfort, then Cousin left. It wasn’t until later Mom explained who she was – how they were related. That was all. Other relatives filled in the details.
In my personal life I know people who are gay. It comes up in conversation when they talk about their partner. If they love someone and are loved in return that’s all I hope for any friend.
You're very lucky your friend trusted you enough to share all of who he was.
Posted by: jozielee | December 16, 2008 at 01:21 AM
Wow, where to begin! I like Frank really had never been exposed much to gay people growing up and probably wouldn't have known some people were gay either unless they were the "flamboyant ones portrayed on TV". My dad had a problem with gay people so I don't know how life would have been for me if my DNA had designated me to be attracted to men. Later in life, he mellowed and treated the gay worshippers at our one church with respect and kindness, but still that question lingers and I'm glad I never had to find that out. My wife and I have gone to multiracial and multicultural congregations that have been progressive and accepting of gay people, not just tolerant. Tolerant is really a back handed kind of insult almost, "you'll tolerate us, put up with us, but you don't really want us around." Not to sound uppity or better than other congregations, but being gay and worshipping at our church with straight people is no big deal. It is really a non-issue. You are right Frank, being Gay IS NOT A CHOICE!! Several of our gay friends had told us that over the years, one spoke his testimony when we did a series on The Bible and Homosexuality. He explained he fought the feelings because he grew up in the South, in the Bible Belt and was African American and was indoctrinated in the church from childhood that being homosexual was an abomination. He tried dating and putting the make on girls, did everything to fight the feelings he had. He said "I wouldn't have wished this lifestyle on my worst enemy, the ridicule, the embarassment, being ostracized, ect.. " I want to reach out to my gay brothers and sisters and say Jesus loves you like he loves me and he wouldn't damn his own creations. Our good friend who moved to New York produced a documentary that won an award at Cannes that shows how a few families dealt with their children "coming out" and how they reconciled that with their long held Christian beliefs. It's called "For the Bible Tells Me So". You can order a copy at http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org
it can assist any family though the process of having a child who comes out as gay and can make the parent understand, the kid is still your son or daughter and is a child of God. You can't just "Pray the gay away". Instead love and support your child!
Posted by: craig | December 15, 2008 at 10:59 PM
Frank,
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for sharing that story of your true friend Rick.
That certainly brought me to tears.
Rick was so right. Being gay is not a choice, and if more people could just realize that.
It's interesting - last week Jon Stewart interviewed Mike Huckabee, and he aske Mike, "what age were you when you chose to be straight" and Huckabee wouldn't answer the question, for then he would have to admit that it isn't a choice to be straight or gay, it's something that just is!
Thank you Frank for sharing. That showed me a side of you that I never would have seen on camera, and I thank you for that.
Posted by: Dan | December 15, 2008 at 07:22 PM
Like Jozielee, I will write on this subject later tonight when I get home, suffice it to say Frank, that too many people are still very ignorant of homosexuality. I am married to my wife of 22 years but we have met many loving gay couples who we have worshipped in our churches with over the years that we have been proud to call our friends.
Posted by: craig | December 15, 2008 at 05:14 PM
Sorry for your loss, Frank.
You always make me think. Something's brewing inside my head. Have to think it thru before writing a comment. Be back.
Posted by: jozielee | December 15, 2008 at 04:18 PM