It is the lecture that I believe I heard my father give to my older sisters when there were of an appropriate age, several times over.

      "There are three universal lies of which you must always beware," he would say. "Never trust any man who says the following;

     "I can't get you pregnant."

     "I promise to pay you back"

     and "The check is in the mail."

     I never knew he could be so wise until this week when I embarked on an experience that has been filled with frustration and upset. Imagine this, trying to withdraw money from an account that is in your name, filled with your own savings, that you actually own. Should be really easy, right?

    Even for those of us lucky enough to be working, sometimes the bills at the end of the month exceed the amount of money you have coming in. If you are doubly lucky to have had a few good years, you might have a little bit of a cushion. Part of my cushion is with Nationwide, you know, the company, that is On Your Side. 

    But maybe they are not entirely on my side after all. 

    To make a long story short, last Tuesday, October 20th; I called Nationwide to ask for a little bit of my own money. They said fine and that they would send me a check in the mail. Would it be possible I asked, and I was willing to pay the difference, to use an overnight service so I could have the check sooner than later. "No Sir, we are unable to do that, we can only send a check to you by regular U.S. mail but it should arrive within 5 business days or less," the friendly operator assured me.

    Today, August 29th; I still had no check, and I called Nationwide in Dublin, Ohio to share my upset. I was promptly called back by an extra helpful customer service agent who said she would track down my case and have an answer for me soon. A few hours later she did. "Sir, we mailed out your check on October 22nd."  Well gee, I wondered, it is a full week later, and still no check...what should I do? "Well sir, I can cancel the original check and we can arranged to overnight a new check to you that will arrive no later than next Tuesday November 3rd."

     Of course I need this check to pay bills due on November 1st, would the company possibly wire the money to me. "Certainly sir, but your bank may charge you a fee."  So wait a minute, now, now that the check is a full week late; Nationwide, now, will overnight or wire me the money. They wouldn't before, but they will now.

    You know exactly where this is heading. After asking the lady to cancel my check and overnight me a new one....guess what arrived in the mail late this afternoon.

    I have a check from Nationwide that was issued on October 21st; and mailed on October 22nd; and even with presorted first class mail; it did not arrive until today, October 29th Of course the confirmation letter about the whole transaction, which was mailed on October 26th, also arrived today.

   So, who should I hate more; Nationwide, or the U.S. Postal Service? 

   I imagine this kind of corporate run-around is nothing new. Nationwide enjoys 'the float,' the money my money makes in interest until I cash their check...and my creditors, the people I owe money to will now hear a very familiar phrase from yours truly;

  "Don't worry, the check is in the mail."

Albuquerque

    I am here for a quick trip to help my colleagues and friends at The Reelz Channel launch a new show, 'Hollywood Dailies,' (which by the way you can check out every day at 4 and 7 p.m. pacific), and like any business trip for the most part the fun and glamour have gone out of the travel experience.

   Southwest Airlines means well, and I appreciate the fact that they are relatively inexpensive and usually on time; but there is no real distinction between flying elbow to elbow with 144 other folks and taking the bus.

   Embassy Suites has one of the largest hotels in Albuquerque and everything you need to swim and exercise not to mention the 'free' breakfast which I would probably be willing to pay for if it was a little bit better. I swear it was the Sunkist Orange Juice Machine that dispensed some sort of Orange Flavored water.

   The most exceptional experience in an unexceptional trip was my arrival late Sunday night and my greeting by the entire staff at the Enterprise Rental Car Counter. I was a little sour on Enterprise earlier in the day. I called their toll-free number to reconfirm my reservation, and was told in no uncertain terms that even with my confirmation number there was no record of my reservation. It did not exist. I explained how I had rented cars in Albuquerque before, how the company rented a slew of cars there; and how there must be some mistake. The operator refused to believe it; and it was only when she put me on hold for five minutes and called her 'help' desk she determined that the Albuquerque location was not plugged into the main computer system and she didn't know if I had a reservation or not. I asked for the direct phone number for the Albuquerque office; which of course she did not have.

So while the toll-free operator was a horror...actually getting to the counter was an unexpected joy. There were three clerks and a janitor all working behind the counter and all four came out from behind the counter to shake my hand.  When was the last time that happened? I thought to myself this is the friendliest rental car counter in the world. The crew gave me a complete update on the Balloon Fiesta that is taking place in town now, and wanted to make sure I was okay with getting a better car than had been reserved for me.

The entire encounter maybe lasted less than 10 minutes, but for whatever reason, I was struck by the fact that these rental car guys actually cared. That they weren't phoning it in. This was a sincere transaction, they were truly happy to get my business. And that, in this day and age was a really pleasant surprise.

Download Sep 24 2009 - VID00038Bora-Bora

      "Out of respect for Fazion's 'unit' I chose to look the other way." 

      Over the course of my very pleasant career journey, I have interviewed far more stars than I can possibly count; for a far longer period of time than I will ever admit to; but in the course of all of those conversations I don't believe I have ever heard a remark that was simply so unusual as the phrase above spoken by actress Kristin Bell when asked about a scene in the new movie "Couples Retreat," where her co-star comic Faizon Love drops his trousers and reveals himself and his unit without the benefit of underwear.

     I am not sure what it is about a pure paradise like Bora-Bora that prompts so much discussion of below-the-belt matters. The area here is simply jaw-drop lovely. It is turquoise, is it powder-blue, it is baby-blue; whatever the correct color palate description of the water...you have never seen anything like it.

   With so much beautiful water, there are a variety of ways to experience it; which led to my second genitalia conversation here, prior to heading out on a jet-ski expedition.

   "Sam, you want to be sure that you don't completely sit down on the jet ski; you want to ride a little above the seat; otherwise it is really going to mess with your junk," was the sage advice from one of the plethora of publicists dispatched here to hold the hands of the 40 or so reporters who are covering this movie junket.

   Maybe it is just me; but prior to trying to save my junk; I would have offered several other tips about life on a jet ski; you are going to want sunglasses for certain, and maybe a small towel to wipe them down periodically. Also, even though the jet ski can go "80,"...."60" is about as fast as you need to go; and "30" in fact insures a very comfortable non junk jarring ride.

    A few other quick snapshots from Tahiti, which we are told is farther from any continental landmass than any other island chain in the world.

   Bring your own medicine. For whatever cosmic reason; there are no medicines sold at the hotels. So if you need an aspirin, advil, or basically, anything, be sure to bring it yourself. One of my Canadian colleagues has been felled by a tropical cold and is trading virtually anything just for some sudafed.

   Bring a significant bank-roll. Paradise is pricey. $1 U.S. dollar is worth 72 French Polynesian bills. Which seems like a good deal, until you discover a single drink is 1600; dinner was well over 100,000; this trip for all intense and purposes is free to the press and I will have spent hundreds of dollars just on incidentals.

   All connections with what we consider normal civilization don't really work here. The internet is somewhat spotty; the TV is all in French; and nether my phone or blackberry worked at all. As it turns out; these are HUGE positives and may well facilitate other life lessons.

   Don't come alone. In the original invitation to this junket; the studio made it very clear that extra guests were not welcome. I never should have listened. This is a top honeymoon destination; and it is a crime to be sitting in one of these amazing over-the-water huts; and not be sharing it with your significant other. 

  All told, with the incredible water right in front of me; and my unit/junk/package in tact, there is little to complain about. With economic conditions such as they are, a trip like this is increasingly out of the reach of many; but one thing about the movie, is that Bora-Bora is really one of the co-stars of the film; so while few will make the actual trip; I think many will get a chance to at the very least see in a movie theater what we junketeers have been experiencing and enjoying so much in person.

Any television viewer knows it when he sees it, and when he feels it; those rare moments when something big and emotional pops out of the small screen. When one is jarred from the stupor of general viewing because some on-the-air has happened that commands your head or your heart or both to really pay attention.

A full 46 minutes into his first episode, Jay Leno had such a moment....and then...a moment later he punted it away.

His right-out-of-the-headlines interview with Kayne West could have been a blockbuster. First an introduction where Kayne was praised for keeping his commitment to come on the show; and then West was greeted by audience applause; so it appeared that Jay was going to out soft-ball Larry King; until he did something rare and really good.

Jay asked an excellent question. "Kayne, I have met your mother, years ago; and if your mother were here today, what would she say about all of this." And right there, you could see, and you could feel in a very genuine and sincere way, Jay had actually gotten to Kayne. Clearly shook by the question, Kayne paused, very nearly cried, and tried to answer but knew that really he couldn't answer. And right there, right there Jay Leno could have followed up and maybe in 2 or 3 or 4 minutes we would have some new insight into Kayne West and what really makes him tick.

But we didn't. Quickly Jay went right to the teleprompter and introduced the 'performance' by Kayne, Jay-Z and Rhianna; which only proved that she still looks and sings great; but was so much less, less interesting, less entertaining, less everything that a real discussion with Kayne could have been.

The rest of the show was completely unremarkable. If you didn't know that Jay had left The Tonight Show three months earlier, you never would have never known. It is, in a word, the e x a c t same show.

  The monologue was very C+. The first comedy bit with the Dan Band, was very long and not very funny. The Jerry Seinfeld interview was so planned and scripted as to be vintage Leno-era Tonight show.

  Jay Leno has always had the rap of not being a capable interviewer. For a quick second with Kayne West he almost proved his critics wrong.

  If the first night is any indication of the future, I think the same-old, same-old will have less than desirable results. People will stay, maybe, for the monologue and that's about it.

There is a real opportunity here; but so far, Jay is playing it super safe and I don't think that will lead anywhere.

      If the sales circulars are any indication, we are smack dab in the middle of 'back to school' time; which makes me a touch melancholy. I like having all the kids home for the summer. The chance to travel; the chance just to hang. I'll miss time with the older girls; and I'll miss the much lighter traffic, especially around 3 p.m. in the afternoon.

      If the sales circulars are any indication, we are smack dab in the middle of 'back to school' time; which makes me a touch melancholy. I like having all the kids home for the summer. The chance to travel; the chance just to hang. I'll miss time with the older girls; and I'll miss the much lighter traffic, especially around 3 p.m. in the afternoon.

        Not to worry. My wife was there too. But we'll get to that.

Amalfi

Amalfi, Italy